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a letter i wrote to zac:

I feel... removed from you :(.  I feel like, all we do is talk about THINGS, and not really about us, and what we`re feeling.  But we even do that!  I`m not sure what exactly i`m feeling, I guess i`m just really feeling your absence.  Are these emails back and forth about things we do really going to sustain us for the next two monthsHow can i survive this without forgetting a little what life is like with you herehow can i survive two months without you lying next to me?  I think maybe ive been feeling sad for the last couple days, but havent been letting myself because theres so much to do, and because well, things are easier when im not sad hah.  I can numb my heart, and go about business, and right now, i really let it open and i could physically feel the pain bloom inside my chest.  Its easier to forget how essential you are to my heart, but when i do that nothing feels quite real... its such a strange pain, for the first week my pain was a disbelieving pain. Like, I felt like i was having a nightmare, and that you couldnt possibly be away from me for so long.  But now, i accept it, and i can see the next two months and i know you wont be in them.. but the pain of that is sharp, and unforgiving.  How can i love someone so completely, and then be expected to live without them for two monthsI dont want to forget what your hands feel like, or your lips, or the sound of your laughter.  I feel like all those things are slowly slipping away from me.  What if i start to forget what your face looks like? 

I feel.. very lost right now.  I feel like im treading water in a sea full of shit i have to do!  But none of it really touches me, it just fills up all the space around me until i am breathing inconsequential crap.  Why do i have all the obligations?  And dont think i dont have to and im making things harder on myself.  I have to finish brooks painting, i have to make sure i have the school supplies i need and that my backpack is ready to haul the second i get home, i have to talk to ethan before i leave, i have to clean the house for peter, i have to get my school form to the post office before i leave which leaves me only my lunch hour, i have to go to the pet store to get supplies for banjo.  Maybe I should just fuck working out.  I hate it, i want to work out, it feels good!  but thats two hours tomorrow morning I can use to at least get some of this stuff sorted.  I guess I know what I gotta do... I just wish you were here.  You make even the most mundane tasks, like cleaning the house, or buying kitty litter, something i look forward to.  You make everything beautiful.  Now I am just this lonely girl with a chip on her shoulder, doing the sad things of life that need to be done, waiting, always waiting, for her love and her heart to come home.

I just wanna breathe.  Like, really breathe.  Feel all the air fill up my lungs, and feel my spirit shine with the beauty of a sunny day.  It rained today, and it made me happy, because i love the smell of rain on the pavement.  And it made me think of v for vendetta: `god is in the rain`.  What are we going to tell our children about god?  What kind of beliefs will we give them?  These are questions, so incredibly important, that are just forced to sit and stew until you come home!  Nothing is real while you`re gone.  Everything that is real needs to wait!  It feels so unfair.  Maybe we should start doing that in our emails, tackle important questions, ideals, philosophies, needs, desires.  Maybe that would make things feel more real.

I love you, and i`m sorry if this email makes you sad... i think i needed to let this out.  I`ll probably have more to say later.. i think maybe i just needed to unleash that, let it stew for a while.

I love you, with all that i am, and damn me if that isnt a big bitch right now.  But, you`re worth it :).  You make my life more beautiful when you`re away from me, than it was before i met you, simply because in this world, even the idea of you exists, and thats a searing beauty all on its own.

I love you.

Erica
:(.  I am sad today.  Everything makes me cry.  I feel like you are a million miles away...


Hi.  My name is Erica, and my love is gone.


He is a ghost.  He is not here, and yet he is so potently here.  I physically feel his absence in every inch of my heart.  And yet everywhere I look.. there he is :).


I miss you. 


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